“I can ask for cigarettes in every language”

I’m happy to write here that my stomach problem is  almost over and I might have drunk a few drinks last weekend. But I realized I have a bigger problem. I’m TOTALLY addicted to nicotine. 

Before I had this gastiritis thing, I had been smoking not more than 2 or 3 cigarettes in a week. I have never been a heavy smoker in my life but smoking was always a part of my quotidien. I can say I reduced the amount gradually and switched to lighter versions by time.

And finally, I didn’t smoke a puff of cigarette for the last 3 months. You want me to write here “Till last saturday…” but no, I won’t. I didn’t smoke last weekend but you have no idea about the fight I gave that night just not to surrender myself.  I think my problem is “alcohol”. Because for years, alcohol and smoking were my inseparable comrades. In my best and worst moments, they were there. (Ok. I should stop impersonating smoking and drinking. I started to sound pathetic…)

Anyway I wanted badly to smoke but I didn’t. I don’t know what would happen next week or when I drink enough to feel tipsy and lose my ability of reasoning. I don’t want to be a smoker again. I’m bitching every single day to my husband about how horrible he smells when he smokes and trying to make him not to smoke at home. After all those years, I now understand the importance of staying sober…

Right now my biggest motivation to quit smoking is thinking about having a baby. We are not planning a baby anytime soon but I want my body to be prepared and to be in its best condition to nest our baby and  the longer this detoxification process is, the safer I’m going to feel. Also I don’t want to be a smoker mother.

And I think I must find a permanent solution for these temptatious situations. I’ve never tried nicotine patches or any profesionnal methodes and I have no idea if they work or not. But I should start to think about a solution. 

Anyone who has tried a way and thinks it works or may help, please let me know. I know “addiction” varies from person to person and may affects individuals differently but at least knowing that I’m not alone would encourage me. But if you are going to write ” Fuck it. We’re all gonna die anyway. Smoke and enjoy”.  PLEASE DON’T. Because right now, this point of view seems more rational.

P.S. Dear husband, If you are reading this, dare not to comment. You are out at elbows when it comes to smoking.

P.P.S. Serre-moi jusqu’a etouffer de toi means “grip me till you choke me”. You see, this is a love-hate relationship…

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