Week 24: 12-18 June Draw something
It’s not my drawing but it’s a drawing that really impresses me. Because lately I’m working on this particular subject in my life. And no I’m not talking about all of these body image & body positivity issues.
I realized long time ago that I, who has always been very independent, somehow have always looked for confirmations about specific subjects from certain people in my life, from people that are not even my parents. Well, it’s not in a pathological level and I’m glad I’m finally going through this process that I’m analyzing the root causes. But it’s really weird that all of my life I didn’t give a single fuck about what people think about my life, my decisions, my life style, my choices etc but secretively look for confirmations from those people who even don’t know me truly! At some point I did feel disappointed at myself because I let myself to got under the influence of them. For me that means I was weak and I wasn’t myself. And now that I know I was weak and in other words very open to manipulation. But I don’t blame myself or them. “Blaming” never solves anything. Yes I say, “I wish I hadn’t…” but regret also doesn’t help at this point.
My solution is, first I accept it. When all things considered, I’m the only responsible of this situation which I’m in as I let them to influence me. So it’s my problem. Then I try to understand myself why I did that, how they managed to influence me, when was the first time I got their confirmation and felt good about it, what were their tricks, why they did this etc. I ask myself a lot of questions. Through these questions I can find my motivation. and then another page starts because that motivation is like an iceberg. What lies beneath of it holds the solution for me. Today I’m not there yet. I still keep asking questions to find the real reason. But once I find it, my last act may sound “repetetive” but I will again accept it. But this time, accepting it with knowing the real reason why I let that happened. Because I think accepting that everything that has happened and (still are happening) is supposed to be happened. The most important point is to be open and to be able to see why they happened in your life.
Now I know that I’ll quit looking at myself through their eyes. I’ll no longer want or need their confirmations in my life about my decisions anymore. I’ll be free and will feel great about it. Actually I already started to!
You are the only one who is supposed to question yourself. Don’t let them question you and look at yourself through their eyes.